Can Your Marriage Survive Infidelity

Can Your Marriage Survive Infidelity Relationships Spouses & Partners Marital Problems Print Can Your Marriage Survive Infidelity? By Sheri Stritof Sheri Stritof has written about marriage and relationships for 20 years. Shes the co-author of The Everything Great Marriage Book. Learn about our editorial policy Sheri Stritof Medically reviewed by Medically reviewed by Carly Snyder, MD on February 02, 2020 facebook twitter linkedin Carly Snyder, MD is a reproductive and perinatal psychiatrist who combines traditional psychiatry with integrative medicine-based treatments.   Learn about our Medical Review Board Carly Snyder, MD on February 02, 2020 kristian sekulic/E/Getty Images More in Relationships Spouses & Partners Marital Problems LGBTQ Violence and Abuse The topic of infidelity and cheating spouses is everywhere.  We hear about it frequently in the media and have seen the marriages of friends or relatives that have been devastated by affairs. Its no surprise that many couples internally ask the question, How would I cope ? with such a situation if it were to happen to you. Its particularly common to also wonder if your own marriage could survive such a serious betrayal. Popular psychologist and self-help book author, Dr. Harriet Lerner writes about this in a PsychologyToday.com article, Will Your Marriage Survive the Affair? (2013).  She writes,  Keep in mind that an affair is not a terrible aberration that only occurs in unhappy marriages. It’s a myth that the “real reason” behind an affair is a faulty spouse or bad marriage. A sexually and emotionally distant marriage will definitely make an affair more likely, but it’s also true that affairs happen in excellent marriages as well. Affairs have many sources, and opportunity and work context are among the pre-disposing factors. Marriage can survive infidelity, but it is important to remember certain facts: Its not easyIt hurtsThere will probably be anger, tears, and depressionIt will take time to healIt will take a decision to trust againIt will take the cheater taking responsibility and not blaming his/her spouse for the affairIt will take the victim also taking responsibility for underlying problems in the marriageIt will take courageIt will require serious commitment from both of you to save your marriageIt is likely that you will need professional help to process what happened Many professionals have seen marriages not only survive infidelity but become better. It is true that a marriage can survive an extra-marital affair. But, this will only happen if both partners are willing to acquire and use the skills necessary to making their marriage successful.   Developing a new way of interacting requires you both to: have deep and meaningful conversationsexpress underlying vulnerable emotionstemper defensiveness, blame, denialexplore your underlying patterns  or vicious cycles of communicationbe willing to forgive hurtsbe completely honestlook at emotional baggage that may have gotten you to this place Some feelings that are prominent when a couple experiences cheating in their marriage include: ShameGuiltBlameAngerHurtDisappointmentRageEmbarrassmentForgivenessJealousyLustResentmentDenialMis-trust Some Marriages Should Not Be Saved Your marriage can survive this onslaught of feelings. However, some marriages are not meant to be saved. If the infidelity is one of many symptoms of domestic violence and/or emotional abuse in your relationship you will never feel safe enough to work through your problems. These are very entrenched issues that are often not changeable. It is challenging for the betrayed partner to know if he or she can give the spouse a second chance. If the infidelity was a one-time event, this is also quite different than someone with a pattern of ongoing cheating. If your spouse is a serial cheater, it may be time to throw in the towel. There are other positive signs to look for such as the spouse showing remorse and showing clear actions that the affair has ended.   The spouse can also be extremely transparent by supplying account passwords, allowing an app or GPS tracking, taking a lie-detector or be willing to sign a post-nuptial agreement. These suggestions might not work for everyone, but they are worth a consideration in the short-term while trying to work through infidelity. Where to Get Professional Help See out a licensed therapist or psychologist who specializes in working with couples. Be sure to ask about their expertise in helping with infidelity in particular. A place to start if you are still unsure if you want to save the marriage, or the affair is still going on, is a process called Discernment Counseling.  Some people find it better (or easier) to speak with their clergy. This may be a good initial step, but a professional counselor will be needed to help you work through the long-term healing process. Should Your Cheating Spouse Get Another Chance? Article updated by Marni Feuerman